dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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