Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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