May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
