i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
