God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just cropdusted the office
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
