i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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