So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
