I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
