I cockslap morals
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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