New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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