the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
