just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
