the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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