Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
