I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
