He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
