I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
