yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
