You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
