God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
