just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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