I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
