When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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