Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize