I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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