Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
