How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
