Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
