Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He did a backflip because drugs
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
