sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Is Oprah even human
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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