remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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