I hope mine doesn't look like that
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
