I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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