ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
