sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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