just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
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I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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