i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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