I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
