her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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