I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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