Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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