I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
