Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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