Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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