Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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