11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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