I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
