my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
