I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.