she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.