Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.