How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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