There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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