he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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