ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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