I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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